What can You Control?
What can You Only Influence?

Knowing what we can control,
knowing what we can only influence,
and knowing when we probably can do neither
brings both power and empowerment into our life.

Most of us have not clarified these distinctions,
often acting as if we can control what we cannot
and pretending we don’t have control when we do.

Here are examples of situations most of us can control:
-brushing our teeth
-making a request of our child to pick up h/is room
-saying “no” to a request from a friend
-dialing a telephone number to make an offer
-walking around the block for exercise

Here are examples of situations most of us can only influence:
-whether or not we ever have cavities
-whether or not our child picks up h/is room
-whether or not our friend is upset with us for saying “no”
-whether or not the person 
answering the telephone will accept our offer
-whether or not we will meet someone to talk with on our walk

Here are examples of situations 
none of us can control or influence:

-having inherited the kind of teeth we inherited
-having a child who has the power to disobey
-having a friend who will never become upset 
no matter what we do
-whether or not the external telephone lines are working
-whether or not the sun will shine while we are walking

As a life coach, I have witnessed countless incidents
of frustration, stress, and ineffectiveness
as a result of people trying to control what they could not
and not choosing to control what they could.

Here are some examples.

A salesperson is frustrated with
being rejected and not making enough sales.
Is s/he consistently taking action to control those conditions
over which s/he does have control
(e.g., making so many calls per day, keeping statistics, 
studying rapport techniques, etc.)?
The answer is usually “no.”
Is s/he doing enough to influence those conditions
over which s/he has no control
(e.g., making so many sales per day, 
having prospects answer the telephone, etc.),
while choosing courage, embracing the fear,
and accepting the outcome of any particular condition?
The answer is usually “no.”

A mother/father is frustrated with
h/is teenage son’s rebellious and insolent attitude.
Is s/he consistently taking action to control those conditions
over which s/he does have control
(e.g., establishing doable and effective consequences
and rewards, as well as showing respectful and admiring
appreciation to her son)?
The answer is usually “no.”

Is s/he doing enough to influence those conditions
over which s/he has no control
(e.g., the tone of voice that h/is son uses,
whether or not he agrees to a particular request, etc.),
while choosing courage, embracing the fear,
and accepting the outcome of any particular condition?
The answer is usually “no.”

A student is stressed out
by some upcoming exams.
Is s/he consistently taking action to control those conditions
over which s/he does have control
(e.g., establishing regular study times in a good study
environment, 
while allowing some time for leisure and recuperation)?
The answer is usually “no.”
Is s/he doing enough to influence those conditions
over which s/he has no control
(e.g., exactly what score s/he will achieve,
how the teachers may evaluate h/is answers, etc.),
while choosing courage, embracing the fear,
and accepting the outcome of any particular condition?
The answer is usually “no.”

When we act consistently to affect those conditions
over which we have control,
then we are choosing power.
When we act consistently to affect those conditions
over which we have only influence,
then we are choosing empowerment.

A successful life results from consistently exercising
both power and empowerment.

And this requires that we continually make
distinctions between what we can control, 
what we can influence
(recognizing that we have varying degrees of influence),
and what we can neither control nor influence.

Making these distinctions and acting appropriately on them
is often a choice of courage.

Breathe into the fear and honor yourself for that courage.

�


Most of us will trade anything we have for a good false sense of control.
–Brad Blanton() in Radical Honesty

There is a time to let things happen and a time to make things happen.
–Hugh Prather

If we are not responsible for the thoughts that pass our doors,
we are at least responsible for those we admit and entertain.
–Charles Newcomb (Screenwriter and Director)